Television in Abu Dhabi Sucks!

Saudi Version of the Oprah Winfrey Show

Summer refuses to leave here in the Gulf and there is not much to talk about as the potentially fatal climate precludes actually doing anything interesting and fun outside. Malls and bars, that's about it until the weather moderates, so I decided to bitch about what I have been doing too much of lately, watching TV.

I grew up and spent the majority of my adult life in the U.S. which has been the epicenter of television programming since Philo T. Farnsworth, an American scientist, first transmitted a scratchy image of Felix the Cat in 1927 to his "image dissector". The rest is history.

First Televised Image, Felix the Cat

It naturally follows that the U.S. would take the lead in producing and programming television shows, for better or for worse. I became accustomed to having access to many quality channels. Just before I moved to Abu Dhabi, I had a big screen Sony TV connected to a Dish Network 500 satellite system, This allowed me access to over 400 channels, many in High Definition. Multiple HBO, ESPN, Cinemax, Showtime, and  many others were available to me at the push of a remote button. I was in Hog Heaven. I even had Tivo!

In Abu Dhabi, I first stayed at a hotel that had limited access to English speaking channels. It seem exotic at  first but I quickly lost interest. Then I moved to a flat that had a satellite feed. I went to the local version of Walmart and purchased a Chinese satellite receiver that was insanely cheap and hooked it up  I got a few English channels but it was not enough. Much to my delight, a byproduct of this was that I stumbled upon some unscrambled Italian "sex chat" channels that got very gynecological at times. It was all free.

In my new apartment there is sadly no such potential for the satellite feed. The local communications monopoly has provided a glass fiber connection and that is it. So I had to subscribe to their service.  I decided to take a premium package at around $75 per month. It included sports channels, movie channels and English speaking channels. Well, the sports channels only have cricket and soccer and the movie channels only show 20 year old movies. There is no viewing guide so one ever knows what they are watching or what comes on next on what channel. Sometimes the same exact shows are repeated several times a day. The only saving grace is that adverts are thankfully rare.

So maybe I am spoiled with American television and my expectations are too high, but I am bummed. In Abu Dhabi, I have a state-of-the-art  glass fiber system delivering stale crap programming to my state-of-the-art digital flat screen television.  One thing I miss about the U.S. is the quality of programming. Here we get the scraps and have to pay a premium for it. I have to give credit though, the picture is absolutely crystal clear. At least that is done right. I get to see shitty programs in a flawless resolution!

No Bad Deed Goes Punished

Those that know me have heard me say "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished" many times. It has become my personal motto. I adopted it as such through the School of Hard Knocks where I am current earning my post-graduate degree.

It seems the Emirate of Abu Dhabi does not concur with my wisdom. The powers that be announced this bombshell today:

 "The Abu Dhabi police traffic department has slashed all traffic fines issued in the emirate by 50 per cent, officials announced on Tuesday."






I am not one to criticize the police haphazardly and I know they have a tough job to do, but in this case I have  to wonder what the hell were they thinking? Abu Dhabi is one of the most dangerous places in the world for motorists. This is because there is a toxic stew of driving styles on the road as everyone is from some other country. You have 200 KMH Prados competing for the left lane with rusty, overloaded Toyota Hi-Luxes at 60 KMH. Then there are the differences in training and culture. West versus East, North versus South, attentive versus not, aggressive versus non. I think you get my drift. All too often this is the result:

Real UAE, not a Hollywood Set

The Infamous Fog Crash Aftermath

Speeding White Toyota Prado Result

I see really stupid crap every time I drive. Defensive driving skills are really honed here, my head is constantly on a swivel. So I wonder why fines are relieved by half for the bad guys. Here is the official answer:

"The reprieve comes after the amended traffic law, which stipulates hefty fines for traffic offences, left many motorists heavily indebted to the government, a senior traffic official disclosed."

So, if I am to understand correctly, the powers-that-be determined that too many bad drivers with self-inflicted offences owed too much to the government to get their cars re-registered so fines they owed were reduced enabling them to go back out on the road and re-menace other motorists. That's just not logical, or am I missing something here?

You see in Abu Dhabi, there are speed cameras, drivers are rarely pulled over and issued a ticket by the police. You speed by one of the hidden cameras and see a brief flash and your photo is taken. You may never know you were cited until you go to renew your registration. Many drivers get "ticket shock" when a year's worth of fines need to be paid at annual registration time or they will not get renewed.

To me, the halving of the fines sends the wrong message. They should be doubled so that these inconsiderate, shitty drivers have to eat ramen noodles and take the bus for three months before they can afford to get their driving privileges back. Then maybe by then they will have learned a lesson. Making it less expensive to be a jerk just reinforces bad behavior.

Some other issues surface that indicate this was not well thought out, as typical:

"The decision has already taken effect since the past three days, although the official announcement was made only Tuesday."

OK, so what if I paid the full fine two days ago or two weeks ago, is it retroactive? Do I get a refund?

"For now, all motorists will enjoy the reduced fines but soon we will decide who should be given the reprieve based on the traffic record of the driver," Colonel Engineer Ahmad Hussain Al Harthy, Director of Abu Dhabi Police Traffic and Patrols department, told Gulf News.

Sure to be a bureaucratic nightmare as every scofflaw comes out of the woodwork to plead his/her case. I can't even imagine!!! There are tens of thousands who owe fines and it looks like each case will be reviewed on an individual basis. Do they realize how long that will take?.

And this gem:

"After news spread about the decision, the traffic department was being thronged by thousands for renewal of vehicle registrations."

Geez, I wonder why? When you make it easier for assholes to be assholes again they will always jump at the chance!

If I was King, I would double or even triple the fines and get the dual benefit of keeping these effen idiots off the road for awhile AND maybe they will remember to drive in a way as to not endanger fellow motorists and/or themselves. 

I am certainly no prude and I like to cut-loose at times but I take driving seriously and when someone endangers my health and/or my life on a public road for no goddam reason but being stupid, I tend to take it personally!

All quotes in italics are from the full story in : The Gulf News

Drive safe, y'all!

"There's No Country Like Abu Dhabi"

I was in the navy sometime ago and when we received what were called "Flash Traffic" status messages, it was important that these highest level missives were disseminated as quickly and as widely as possible.

Today reminded of those days when an  important naval message would reel off the teletype. After a long nightshift, I decided to relax and catch up with my other UAE bloggers here in "The Dhab" and go to bed at 11 AM after a couple of stout rum and cokes. I noticed fellow blogger, Grapeshisa had an update and since this blog  has been around for awhile and is known for quality updates on life in the Emirates, I decided to see the what"s the hap.

Once there, I saw a link to There's No Country Like Abu Dhabi I clicked on it and found the song so satiric in a good way that I almost passed an ice cube from my nostril with laughter. Maybe you have to live here to understand. The ditty mentioned all the stereotypes but they got them really wrong. There were sounds of cobra-charmer horns and Talibans yelling through bullhorns. Abu Dhabi was never its own country either even thought that was repeatedly mentioned.  Desert flowers (not) and eagles (neither) were mentioned, too. All lies!

The band "Tex Glitter" sounds good and captures the West Texas accent and style very well, even though they claim to be Swedish. I doubt ABBA could match that. One word of warning: the Abu Dhabi Anthem was funny but some of the other songs on Tex Glitter's playlist you will see on their MySpace have a veeery strong adult content. You have been warned. If you are squeamish, click the back button right after the Abu Dhabi song. I learned the hard way :)!

Usually I ponder for awhile before I post on my blog. I want every post to be important and relevant ( I know, too late!), but this was my Flash Message for the day. Had to get it out! Click the link and enjoy!

Shukran, Grapeshisha for the find! Grapeshisha

A Tale of Two Cities

Map of the United Arab Emirates

I have lived in Abu Dhabi for almost two years and I am quite acclimated to my new home, but recently I had the opportunity to visit the famed Dubai. 100 KM's to the north.

I will have to admit something very embarrassing. It was my first trip to Dubai. A mere two hours drive away and I had never visited one of the world's most famous cities. I guess it boils down to my not having a concrete reason to go there. I am kind of strange that way. And I tend to be lazy. I grew up in a Florida resort town on the beach and never visited some of the most popular tourist attractions. 

Anyway, a fellow local blogger offered to show me around her domicile city of Dubai. We drove out to the end of Palm Jumeirah, you know, the artificial islands built out in the Arabian Gulf.  The Atlantis resort is there is absolutely marvelous!

Palm Jumeirah

There is a monorail that runs the length of the islands and it afforded some good photographic opportunities.

Monorail, Palm Jumeirah

Atlantis, Dubai

Atlantis, Dubai

The Atlantis sported a very nice aquarium. Very high-end stuff. Rooms were over $400/night.

Atlantis Aquarium, Leopard Rays in formation

After the Atlantis, we drove down the JBR Walk. As it was Friday, it was as empty as the below photo depicts. Apparently on other days of the week, this cobblestone street is bumper-to-bumper with Ferraris, Maseratis, Lambourghinis and the odd Corvette. It is the equivalent of Main Street U.S.A. where the folks drive up and down the street stylin', profiling, and birddogging chicks.

JBR Walk

Chrysler Building Lookalikes near JBR..

The real one in NYC is owned by the UAE. This is my favorite building. Art Deco at its best!

This street is lined with high-end eateries and retail outlets.

Next was lunch at a hotel sports bar. I had the fried hammour. Similar to grouper.

Then coffees curbside in front of the tallest building in the world, the Burj Khalifa. 

The Burj Khalifa

I enjoyed my time in Dubai. It is very "Western Style" there and it is real easy to forget one is in the Middle East. There are a lot of things to do there and I was amazed at the overt consumerism. Not that this is bad in itself, but I felt somewhat inadequate as I was not piloting a bright red Ferrari while wearing a 24 karat gold Rolex. Los Angeles comes to mind.

After my trip to Dubai, I realized I am more comfortable in Abu Dhabi. Things are slower here and AD just seems more genuine, more exotic and well...Arabic. I am good with that!

Dubai has had its troubles lately and it has been said that Abu Dhabi has provided assistance, hence the last minute name change of the tallest building in the world.

Abu Dhabi has the wealth and many plans for the future. I am convinced that AD's conservative and measured growth will see the city being the prominent venue of the U.A.E. in a few years.

Dubai is cool, but her dowdy sister to the south is finally waking up.

Abu Dhabi Skyline

Abu Dhabi Environment

Abu Dhabi Waterfront, Al Raha Beach

Abu Dhabi Sunset

Abu Dhabi Sunrise

I think I will stay put for awhile! I "heart" Abu Dhabi! Life is a bit more relaxed here and that suits me just fine.

Hooray for Hollywood!

Another installment of the movie adaptation of HBO's popular series is set to hit silver screens all over the world on May 28th. The first one had our Gal Pals going south of the border to Mexico in search of romantic fulfillment.

This second version of "The Cougar Chronicles", as I would rename the series, has our intrepid and insatiable ladies escaping their mundane domestic lives in New York City in an attempt to spark up their love lives in, of all places....Abu Dhabi! That makes as much sense as filming SATC3 in The Vatican!

It is confusing to me why the producers and screenplay writers chose this Muslim Emirate as a venue where public displays of affection are illegal and cohabitation can get a person hard prison time. Recently in Dubai, a couple were arrested for kissing in a restaurant.

In reality, the only "Sex and the City" here is the many Chinese prostitutes that infest downtown tourist hotel bars. If I had a dollar for every time I have been groped in these places by Oriental "hostesses", my car would be paid off by now.



The local film commission even denied permission for the production company to film scenes on location in Abu Dhabi. Because of this, the Abu Dhabi scenes were filmed in Morocco including a fake Emirates Palace Hotel set, an Abu Dhabi landmark.

The Real Emirates Palace Hotel

One has to wonder why the makers of this movie did not just use Morocco as the ladies' destination in the film. Morocco has virtually the same landscape and culture, at least in Western eyes. Certainly our girls could find romance in the same country that is portrayed in what's considered one of the most romantic movies of all time, "Casablanca". You know, the classic one with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman.

Dubai is recognized throughout the world as a glamorous location but Abu Dhabi, just 100 kilometers away, is off the radar screen for most movie goers. This film will be popular and the mention of Abu Dhabi will make it more of a household word. Tourism is bound to increase here as a result. Many thousands of love-starved middle aged women will see Abu Dhabi as a prime romantic location to fulfill their menopausal "Girls Gone Wild " fantasies. Abu Dhabi will finally be on the map as a desirable and trendy place to be.

The cynic in me says there were some investors that wanted Abu Dhabi as the movie venue for the publicity. Ironically, the film will probably not be shown in the local theaters due to the controversial subject. The title alone is a deal-killer here. The lost local revenues are a drop in the bucket.

What is important is the global exposure of a popular Hollywood movie and the chance to shift a little more attention away from the now tarnished city-state of Dubai to the up and coming  Emirate and city of Abu Dhabi without offending local sensibilities. Very crafty, IMHO!

Second City

Just like Chicago is the Second City in the US, the Emirate of Abu Dhabi has its own Second City, Al Ain.  This town is 160 kilometers from Abu Dhabi City. I still am not used to metric units of measure and prefer to think in terms of miles, feet, inches and Fahrenheit. I believe the United States and Liberia are the only countries in the world to use the old Imperial measures. At .62 kms/mile, Al Ain is approximately 99 good old fashioned miles from my abode on the outskirts of Abu Dhabi. Metrics are wimpy with all the millimeters, liters and hectares and such!

Abu Dhabi Dispatches Editorial Team, Lake Powell , Arizona Summit Meeting 2009. Your humble servant second from left.

But I digress. Back to the day trip to Al Ain.  Like I said, it is a short day trip on the smooth, fast highway. and I was fortunate enough to be accompanied by a French exchange student, Anna-Lou.

We started out using my GPS, but the "Bitching Betty" audio directions proved too irritating. Anna-Lou's sharp eyesight got us where we needed to go, the closer we got to Al Ain, the greener the scenery was. It reminded me of Central Florida, my home state. 

Al Ain is an oasis in the desert and has many natural fresh water springs. It is also the birthplace of Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan. A man I admire as he was a true patriot of the UAE as he had only the best wishes for his countrymen in mind. He is the UAE's equivalent of the US's George Washington and is very much loved by the Emiratis, for good reason. A great man! He is missed. I would have liked to meet him. He seemed a good guy!

Sheikh Zayed

Al Ain Oasis

So anyway, we found the date palm oases in the middle of town, it was a forest of trees with an irrigation system. The whole thing was an elevated alleyway that you could walk or drive on. There were surprises along the way and one could lost in the labyrinth. We saw a lot of animals and a few parrots and a chicken or two. 

Date Palm Trunk

My next house

One of the surprises

Arabic Chic!

Desert Greenery

Next stop is Jebel Hafeet. An improbable rock jutting 4000 feet (1200 meters) out of the desert floor, A very entertaining road leads to a nice hotel at the top. I saw a lot of cars puking Prestone on the way up and smelled melting brakes on the way down. Some auto manufacturers use this road as a proving ground as its average 8 percent grade puts cars to their limits.

Road up Jebel Hafeet

Google Earth View of Jebel Hafeet Road

Moi!

View from Jebel Hafeet

And Another

Mon Navigateur

Who says there is no scenery in Arabia?

Al Ain is a fun and doable day trip from Abu Dhabi. Although I found the drivers even more crazy than here. Every effen roundabout is its own mini Indy 500. I survived, though and will live to race another day

Fun Food

I was at the local grocery market the other day and as usual, on the alert for offbeat and interesting things that tickle my funny-bone. This is a habit of mine in an attempt to turn mundane chores into something fun. Most of the time I am unsuccessful in the transformation but I find enough gems to keep me playing the game.  I was not disappointed on this trip.

American supermarkets are boring. They are homogeneous. One looks like the other with the same products, presentation and no surprises. Ethnic foods are relegated to a half an aisle next to the kitty litter. Here in the Abu Dhabi, everyone is from somewhere else and the market managers have to cater to the tastes of folks from Asia, Europe, the Subcontinent and of course the Middle East. This makes for an entertaining stroll through down the aisles. You never know what you are going to see. The inventory seems to change each week. One time you may see English cookies and the next, ghee from India occupying the same spot the cookies previously did. It;s a grab bag and you cannot rely on your favorite stuff always being consistently available. Part of the charm, I guess.

I am fortunate that my nearest market has a pork room. This is a small room off the main floor with its own doors displaying large signs warning that entrance is for non-Muslims only. I look at it as a generous gesture by the UAE government to allow us expats to slake our cravings for pig.and I appreciate it as a lover of bacon and grilled hotdogs. Turkey bacon substitutes suck!

So, the other day I walk into the pork room, got my bacon and Oscar Meyer links and continue to the freezer on the opposite side of the room to see what various porcine delights were available there, then I saw this:

Bingo! I just found my Gem o' the Day. Out came the mobile phone for this image, much to the bemused stares of the Filipino pork butchers nearby. 

Now the maker of these delicacies, cdo/Sea Quest, looks like a Western Company and they really should know a little bit more about marketing. I'll bet my last beer that the frozen items inside the bag are not actual cephalopod testicles but are probably the tenderest of squid meat formed into a round shape. They probably taste very good and would be something I would enjoy, but when the name "Squid Balls" is emblazoned over a clear plastic window showing some round objects inside, I get an unnerving impression. Call them "Calamari Rounders"or"Spheres Du Mar"; anything but Squid Balls!

I can imagine this Marketing Executive in the product launch meeting surrounded by his peers and the CEO of Sea Quest suddenly standing up and saying, "I know, let's call 'em Squid Balls!!!". They should have thrown him down an elevator shaft. But instead, they went with it. The plastic bag makers probably pissed themselves with laughter when they got the details of the order.

What Squid Balls were doing in the Pork Room is also lost on me.

As if this isn't bad enough, fellow bloggers Neil and Caz found these items in a downtown market: The Real Thing  A Pakistani friend of mine says these are a real delicacy back there. Bet you can't eat just one! They eat them in the US too, also known as  Rocky Mountain Oysters. All I can do is wince.

I did buy a bag of these though:

These are fried peas coated with hot Japanese wasabi mustard powder. They are very good and I was surprised to find them available here, but I don't understand the "& YOU" part. The peas never delivered on the personal relationship promised by this phrase. Come to think of it they kind of look like little green.................uh never mind!!!!

 .

Ode to Dust!

Sandstorms are a common occurrence here. View out of my window.

Damn Dust!

In my eyes and in my hair

And other places I dare not share

Fouls my couch and fouls my chair

I’d trade my Kingdom for some clean air

Damn Dust!

Always filthy is my car

In the summer one can’t see far

I know I can’t win this war

I just want to hole-up in a bar

Damn Dust!

Covers my clothes and covers my floor

Intrusive clouds when I crack my door

Open the windows, in comes more

Pisses me off to the core

Damn Dust!

Makes me have to clean each day

And I just ain’t made that way

All my efforts to do what may

Is never enough to keep it at bay

Damn Dust!

Between my teeth I feel the grit

Pardon me if I need to spit

More of this and I’ll have a fit

I just had to pick this nit

Mangroves Again

I know you all tire of reading my multiple posts about my haircuts and mangrove flat kayak trips but I had to post this experience I had last weekend. There were so many incredible things I saw it is worth note.

My Italian co-worker and boat owner, "Il Capitano" and I planned a second kayak trip, this time with fishing gear, food and cooking utensils as a longer day of exploring was anticipated. The security guys at the launch point amazingly recognized us from the previous excursion and waved us on as if we were long-lost cousins. I guess we made some kind of impression before.

That hurdle being jumped, we ventured out into the bounding main and set a course for the same area as last time. Once we got there, we noticed that the tide was running into the estuary this time and the environment looked completely different. What was bare sand on the previous trip was now covered in water.

So it was decided to take a narrow slough which opened up into a wide flat covered in a few feet of water. The strong tidal current was at our backs which made progress easy. Eager to wet the hooks, we beached on a small piece of dry ground. Il Capitano jumped out of the boat and immediately sank up to his knees in soft sand. After pulling him out with the aid of a paddle, we settled down to catch lunch.

Easy paddling with tide at our backs

Acres (hectares) of shallow waters in high tide mode

Initial landfall at this island...it was covered in the high tide 45 minutes later and we had to go.

"Il Capitano" enjoying a frosty malt beverage

We spotted this covered walkway within paddling distance

The buildings in the background were our launching point, a lot of real estate was covered

So when we no fish were caught and the dry land we were beached on was rapidly reclaimed by the tide, we thought paddling to the mysterious walkway would be a good idea. with the aid of the incoming tide, we made it there in record time. Somewhere along the way my camera ingested some salt water and refused to record any more images.

We reached the wooden walkway and made it our base of operations for awhile. It seemed about 2 kilometers long and was of extremely high quality construction. We fished for awhile and caught nothing so the charcoal grilled burgers tasted good. On three occasions I saw wild gazelles prancing around in the area......and my damn camera was shot. Their hoofprints were everywhere in the sand. Abu Dhabi literally means "Father of the Gazelle".

The snakelike, palm frond covered walkway we found. This became Base-Ops as no one was around...wild Gazelles were abundant though! We fished at the main channel in the center of this Google Earth view

An interesting thing happed during the time I was on the elevated walkway fishing and eating hamburgers, The tidal current slowed, stopped and the reversed all in a couple of hours. That meant an almost effortless trip back as we had the tidal current at our backs once again. The equivalent of going downhill both ways. I have never seen tides change that much in so little time. I would estimate the current at about 5-7 knots due to the narrowness of the channels. I was pleased at this as I am a lazy bastard and did not relish paddling back that far against the strong current we had at our advantage on the way in . The return voyage ended up a relaxing sightseeing trip.

We got skunked fishing, but I did have a stone crab on a hook when I pulled up my line when it was time to go. I let the poor fellow go. He was quite agitated!

The main thing I regret is that my camera failed on me. To be fair, it was not waterproof, it was 4 years old and it had less megapixels than my mobile phone, but I missed some of the best photos in my life. It served me well as a secondary device lately. I don't take my good Canon SX10is on such trips.

The last image of my Canon A510 PowerShot. My right foot in perfect macro focus, faithful 'til the end! It freaked out after this!

The Dearly Departed......I took thousands of photos with this

I now have an excuse to get a new toy....a waterproof camera. that is always fun although I regret missing some wonderful shots last weekend. 

The weather and water temperature were perfect and I didn't have to swat one insect the whole time. How cool is that?! It will be incredibly hot here in the near future which will make such voyages very uncomfortable. I hope we can squeeze another in by then!