My 2011 New Year Resolutions

The beginning of a new year is the time which many take stock of their lives and endeavor to make a fresh start to improve themselves or their lifestyle. Most of these self-promises involve getting rid of bad habits such as smoking, drinking, overeating and replacing them with healthy diets, exercise and other good practices. While this is a noble cause, I wonder how many people stick to their resolutions. Studies show that it takes at least six weeks for a new behavior to replace the old one. That’s a long time to be inconvenienced!

As for my own New Year plans, I pledge to:

--Eat and drink what I want, when I want. Food and drink are here for our pleasure. My consumption indirectly provides valuable jobs to farmers, ranchers, brewers and restaurant workers and who am I to deny them or myself. Win-win, don’t worry, be happy!

Scene from Monte Python's The Meaning of Life

--Lead a sedentary, lazy life. I believe one is born with only so many heartbeats left in their future. Why accelerate my demise by exercising and using my allocated heartbeats faster? Pain, sweat, odor and bad joints are also unpleasant byproducts of vigorous activity. I plan to keep my pulse slow by spending long, uninterrupted hours watching TV and taking frequent naps.

Keeping the Pulse Rate Low

--Quit worrying about money. If I want that cool new mobile phone or other gadget that will make my life easier, I will buy it no matter how little cash I have in the bank. Isn’t that what credit cards are for? Money is nothing than dirty paper strips without merit until I convert it into a shiny new trinket I can brag to my friends about.

Buying Stuff is Fun!!!!

--Stop stressing about all the clothes on the floor and dirty dishes in the sink. The clothes are easier to find that way and I might hurt my back by picking them up all the time. Washing dishes causes unsightly wrinkles on my hands. Why bother? I plan to switch to all styrofoam/plastic tableware and toss them out in the trash when soiled. My dishes and cups will be filling that landfill south of town instead of my kitchen sink. Problem solved!

No more going through cramped drawers or closets...its all right here!!!

Goodbye dirty dishes,,,I am going disposable!!

--Drive as if I am the only one on the road. I am only cheating myself by being safe and courteous, no more letting that guy merge in front of me. As for using my turn indicators, forget it, that only makes the light bulbs burn out sooner. Speed limits are not for me anymore, I am going to drive like my hair is on fire as my reason is  more important than my fellow motorists’ reasons for being on the road! Double park, you betcha! Screw 'em!

Heena Khan/Gulf News Photo

I believe that these resolutions will be real easy to keep. I like to win and hate to lose so I think I have made a solid plan for 2011 that will have a very high likelihood for success! Feel free to adopt my plan and modify the resolutions to fit your own lifestyle. You will be glad you did! I will let you know how it is going in six weeks.